Marriott Minneapolis City Center Hotel Review

Last updated on January 28th, 2018 at 08:59 am

Before we became voluntarily homeless, I had to attend to some business in Minneapolis in June. While Mrs. Jeffsetter was packing up our San Francisco apartment, I taught 4 classes, and delivered two speeches in a 5-day span across Minneapolis and St. Paul.

During my week-long visit to the Twin Cities, I stayed in 3 hotels and will review each of them over the next 3 days. The first hotel I will start with is the Marriott Minneapolis City Center Hotel, which was provided to me by the conference organizers and was the location where I gave my first speech.

I lived in the Twin Cities for 33 years and never set foot in this hotel, so it was all new to me.

The Marriott Minneapolis City Center is located in a busy section of town, right near the Target Center (Timberwolves) and Target Field (Twins). I have probably walked past this hotel 500 times, but never really had a need to step inside.

The lobby appeared recently renovated, and check-in was a breeze. While I thought my reservation was for only 1 night, the check in agent informed me that it was reserved for two. Since I was already booked elsewhere in town, I only stayed the one night.

The Room

The room was basic, and quite small. Having no real status with Marriott, I didn’t expect much more. It was fine for a one night business trip, but would have been way too crowded if Mrs. Jeffsetter were along for the trip.

The room had the things you could expect from a hotel room.

Mediocre Coffee!

A petri-dish chair with an overmatched pillow!

Free water!

Expensive water!

Extensive use of exclamation points to feign excitement for what was a purely average hotel experience!

Sorry, but it’s hard to get excited about every hotel stay.

The Bathroom

If there was one killer-feature of this hotel, it was the shower.

When I say killer, I don’t mean it in a good way, as in “killer set bro!” I mean it in the way that this shower could literally kill you if you weren’t careful.

You know those showers that hide the controls behind the door, so you can’t turn it on without getting wet? This was one of those showers. It was truly designed by a complete and total sociopath, who takes comfort in the misery of every guest.

Look at this impenetrable fortress of burning:

If you have a minor heart condition and like to take showers early in the morning, good luck escaping this torture chamber alive.

But at least if you die in this shower, you will die with a smile on your face, knowing that you smelled like Thann rice bran oil soap.

And you wonder why I don’t stay with Marriott very often.

They are literally trying to kill me.

The views

If there is one saving grace for this hotel, it is the view of the Minneapolis skyline. Well, actually, that is not the Minneapolis skyline. That is the top of the target center and the Loews 601 hotel.

“The Marriott Minneapolis City Center: Best view in the Loews Hotel in the Twin Cities”

The verdict

I give this hotel two meh’s and an oh brother. Sometimes I debate whether to even post domestic hotel reviews.

Then I take a look at my pictures and realize they aren’t that interesting.

Then I lament that business travel isn’t really that interesting.

Then I think about how many of us have stories about uninteresting business travel, so maybe we can share in our disdain for showers that should be locked up for attempted murder.

Then I bond with readers by sharing stories about cheating death in an otherwise mundane business hotel experience.

Then I just keep on writing until I run out of things to say, realizing that I ran out of things to say about 200 words ago.